Thursday, March 31, 2005

D-Back 2005 Preview: The Team In Limericks 

At some point in late February I had the crazy idea of writing previews of the 2005 Diamondbacks by combining actual analysis with poetry.

Turns out the crazy part was thinking I'd actually be able to finish these by Opening Day. With just 5 done, it became clear the project was sunk. But I was so taken with finishing the limericks that I plugged on.

And so here it is, the 25 members of the 2005 Arizona Diamondbacks (plus a few cameo appearances) in 18 limericks. Enjoy. (Links to the 5 fuller analyses are in the first lines of Tracy's, Gonzo's, Green's, Ortiz's, and Estes' limericks.)

P.S. -- I will attempt a slightly more rigorous analysis of the team before Opening Day. But don't hold your breath.


At first is left-handed Chad Tracy
Born 1980 in N-C
But we hope that cliches
From his playing days
Won’t be what he learns from our Gracie

Clayton to Counsell to Chad
Defensively might not be that bad
But what should we do
Craig and Royce bat one-two
A prospect which makes me so sad

Troy Glaus will take over at third
Mostly injured last year, so I've heard
Well, if worst comes to worst
He'll move over to first
Though asked about that, he's demurred

Cintron and Kata and Clark
Undergoing demotion, the difference is stark
Last year they were starters
Occasional play is a bit harder
Offensive bite worse than defensive bark


Luis Gonzalez, left field
We think his right arm is now healed
He draws walks quite well
Though his OPS fell
And against a collapse we're now steeled

Playing centerfield, Jose Cruz
Is trying to fill Finley's shoes
But he has one Gold Glove
So his offense I think of
As OK for the 6-spot to choose

Shawn Green was acquired by trade
From the Dodgers for whom he had played
Five pretty good years
But observers have fears
That his skills have greatly decayed

Luis Terrero and "Q"
As outfielder bench guys will do
Terrero is toolsy
And Quinton's not choosy
But we all just want Carlos Q


Chris Snyder and Koyie Hill
Our young D-Back catching twin bill
We jettisoned Stinnett
Melvin's heart wasn't in it
Aside from them, our catching's downhill


Our #1 pitcher's Vazquez
His '04 was half stellar, half mess
Traded for Johnson
We hope that he's awesome
At least that what Steinbrenner says

Ortiz’ signing led the whole nation
To blame the D-backs’ for free-agent inflation
What were they thinking?
His K rates are sinking --
Four years he’ll be in our rotation

Russ Ortiz pitched for Leo Mazzone
He and the Braves made his stats look quite tony
But his lack of ground balls
In Turner's deep walls
Made his win numbers look a bit phony

The D-Backs signed pitcher Shawn Estes
Though we're not really sure if his best is
Obscured by Coors Field
Or if he will yield
Home runs or doubles the fastest

Brandon Webb pitches a sinker
With which last year he did tinker
By his defense marooned
His ERA swooned
We're lucky it made him no drinker

Halsey or Gosling, Gosling or Halsey
Throughout this spring, they've both pitched quite ballsy
They both pitch left-handed
Their career paths expanded
But both have poor limerick-y names


Aquino and Koplove, Greg and Mike
Closer and setup man, both pitch a strike
They're the best that we've got
Though that's not saying a lot
But we don't think their WHIP rates will spike

Villarreal, Lyon, and Choate
Back of the bullpen, we hope
Choate is our LOOGY
Lyon's previously fluky
And Villarreal's just staying afloat

On March 1 many D-Back fans thought
"Papa Grande" would be in the bullpen slot
But Jose Valverde
Pitched, frankly, like merde,
So now Brian Bruney's whom we've got

You have WAAAAYYYY too much time on your hands.
Sadly (or scarily, or neither), it didn't take me that long... and besides, it reflects about a month's worth of noodling...
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