Friday, April 15, 2005


[Scene: Visitors locker room at RFK Stadium, Washington, DC, about 9:30 PM Thursday. Two bats, er, walk into the locker room, albeit uncertainly.]

Bat #1: Man, she was so totally into you, man.

Bat #2: Nawww, she wasn't. She was just playin' around.

Bat #1: I'm serious, dude. Why didn't you get her phone number? I just know --

[The bats bump right into Troy Glaus and Shawn Green, standing there, arms folded.]

Troy Glaus: Hey, guys. Where ya been?

Bat #1: Hey, Troy. Just out sightseein', hittin' the bars.

Bat #2: Yeah. We've had a great day. It is so cool that baseball is back in DC. I mean, first we went to the Air & Space Museum, then the National Gallery because Art-Bat over there wanted to see their Gilbert Stuart paintings. After that we decided to head up to Adams-Morgan to have a bite at this Ethiopian restaurant we'd heard really good things about, then headed down to Dupont Circle for a beer. I tell you, I love this town!

Shawn Green: Uh, what about tonight's ball game?

Bat #1: What do you mean, "tonight's game?" Series starts tomorrow, right? Three-game weekend series always start Fridays.

Glaus: This one didn't. We're playing right now.

Green: Yeah, and we're getting our butts kicked. It looks like we're swinging bats, but they're actually just giant 25-cent bat-shaped pencils. Gonzo's the only one who's had a hit, and he was darn lucky to get that one.

Bat #2: I am so embarrassed, guys. We're so sorry. How can we make it up to you guys?

Glaus: Well, we're about to bat in the top of the ninth. Perhaps you'd like to join us?

Bat #1: Sure thing! Where's Chad?…


It's the only explanation, right?

I'll just chalk it up to Opening Night jitters and hope for better tonight. I do like the fact that the D-Backs had a chance to tie the game in the ninth inning. Vazquez is slowly getting better -- his 8 Ks and 1 BB bodes well. But the anemic offense for the first eight innings was ugly. As for the visitors, congratulations on their Opening Night victory. (Still, how good can your shortstop be with the bat when they decide to pitch to you with two outs and first base open rather than walking you to get to the pitcher. Yes, I know Livan Hernandez is good with the bat. But still.)

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