Monday, December 20, 2004

Kobe Bryant Drives Fifth Hall-of-Famer Off Team 

Los Angeles, CA -- Amid reports that Randy Johnson will soon be traded from the Arizona Diamondbacks, industry insiders have revealed a surprising source for Johnson's reported discontent with the Diamondbacks and his desire for a trade: Kobe Bryant. After having effectively driven four future Hall-of-Famers off his team -- Shaquille O'Neal, Phil Jackson, Gary Payton, and Karl Malone -- Kobe Bryant has apparently had enough of Randy Johnson's presence on the Diamondbacks and wants to see him moved on.

Previous reports had mentioned Johnson's desire to reach 300 wins, his desire to play for a playoff contender, and dissatisfaction with the manner in which Jerry Colangelo was replaced as Diamondbacks' CEO as reasons why Johnson was interested in being traded. But Bryant's desire to remake the team in his own image is apparently the primary reason.

"Kobe's tired of Randy getting all the press and these so-called 'Cy Young Awards'," says one insider. "Kobe's ready to get one of those Cy Youngs himself and win a World Series with this team."

Information on Lamar Odom's ability to play centerfield was not available as of press time.

There are also rumors floating around the team that Kobe's wife, Vanessa Bryant, was furious with Johnson for glaring at her during a recent charity function in Los Angeles.

"If it's true," says one Johnson compatriot, "that's just ridiculous. Randy always looks like that. Even when he's happy."

In addition, ABC Sports is scheduling a New York Yankees - Los Angeles Lakers matchup for Super Bowl Sunday, with television ads promoting the matchup already lined up for this evening's Monday Night Football game. Exactly what sport the two teams will play is yet to be determined, though the mudslinging inherent in a game of tug-of-war makes it the reported frontrunner.

In other Diamondbacks' trade news, the White Sox, who received Roberto Alomar from the Diamondbacks in an August trade for cash considerations and player to be named later, have now named the player: Roberto Alomar.

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