Wednesday, October 13, 2004


"He wanted to stay and see the full Red Sox-Yankees game live. For real." -- Sue Walitsky, Sen. John Kerry's Arizona campaign spokeswoman, on why Kerry stayed in Santa Fe Tuesday night instead of travelling to Phoenix as originally planned.

"Bush aides deny Internet rumors he was wired" -- CNN.com headline, referring to rumors surrounding the Miami debate

Start time of Boston - New York ALCS Game 2: 5:10 PM Arizona time

Start time of final Presidential debate: 6:00 PM Arizona time


[Scene: Gammage Auditorium, Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona]

Bob Schieffer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 3rd and final Presidential debate, held here at Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona. We will start with opening statements... Senator Kerry, you have two minutes.

Senator John Kerry: Thank you, Bob, and thank you, members of the audience, both here and across the country. As I've been travelling across this great country of ours, I've met many wonderful Americans who've had troubles making ends CRAP! Can't we get Matsui out?!!! I mean, met many Americans who've had troubles making ends meet and want to get the current President OUT of office. I offer you hope and my promise that I will never stop working for you.

[Awkward pause.]

Schieffer: Senator Kerry, you still have 90 seconds left -- do you have anything else to say in your opening statement?

Kerry [drumming fingers together]: Mmmmm... No.

Schieffer: OK.... Mr. President, you have two minutes.

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Bob. I've been working hard these past four years keeping our country safe and secure from

Kerry: Yes! Double play!

Schieffer: Excuse me, Senator Kerry, I'm not sure what that was about, but the President still has about a minute and 45 seconds in his response.

Kerry: Oh, certainly... sorry about that...

[Time -- and the debate -- elapses....]

Schieffer: This next question is for you, Senator Kerry. You will have 90 seconds. Senator Kerry, please discuss specifically what broad income tax rates you would proposed under your administration.

Kerry: Bob, I've talked about raising income tax rates for persons making more than $200,000 a year. I would want to raise the marginal income tax rate back up to OH YEEEAAAH! Striiiiikeout, Jeter! Who's YOUR daddy, Derek? Uhhh, I mean, I want to strike out the rate reduction for the highest income earners passed in 2001 while at the same time increase the child tax credit for all those mommies and daddies out there.

Bush [cocks head, light goes on]: I don't think the American public is interest in having the largest tax increase since... oh... 1918!

Kerry: Oh, big talk coming from a man who managed to fleece Texas -- I mean, the country -- out of tax revenue to build a stadium while managing to NEVER WIN A SINGLE PLAYOFF SERIES! The Red Sox won more playoff games last week than the Rangers have EVER WON in the playoffs.

Bush: There he goes again, friends, flip-flopping his way across the country. I know FOR A FACT that he is a closet Pittsburgh Pirates fan. He can run, but he can't hide.

Kerry: I just think the American public should know that the President rushed into the playoffs without a plan to win the playoff series.

Schieffer: Gentlemen! Enough. I think it's time for closing statements. Mr. President, you're first.

Bush: Sox suck. God bless America.

Kerry: Yankees suck. God bless America.

Schieffer: Uh, thank you both.

[Kerry rushes out of the Auditorium, heads for McDuffy's.]


For personal reasons, I don't talk about politics in this blog. Any references to political positions or phrases above are intended for humorous effect and may or may not reflect personal beliefs.

I'm sure that Richard would have a view on this debate (let alone the real one). Whatever your views, I hope that tonight you'll TiVo the baseball game(s) and watch the debate live -- for one thing, it'll cut back on your intake of Tim McCarver, and for another, the debate should prove to be both enlightening and entertaining.

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