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Dear Batgirl,

Welcome to Phoenix. You, like many others, are coming to Arizona for a vacation. It's pretty hot here, of course, but we hope that you enjoy the fine pools, cheap summer golf and spa packages, and the opponent in near-freefall.

I know you got swept by those pesky Bitch Sox, but buck up, the Twins have only lost 5 in a row. We just finished losing 11 in a row, which, if I remember my college calculus correctly, is still 120% worse than your losing streak.

You feel bad about the Bitch Sox getting Freddy Garcia. Well, let me tell you, we have a couple of fine pitchers whose contracts expire at the end of the season -- Elmer Dessens, Matt Mantei, Shane Reynolds... oh, wait, they've pitched horribly for us this season. So scratch that. (But Steve Finley would make an excellent addition to your outfield, and I'm sure we could find some prospects in your excellent minor league system.)

You pitch fairly well (5th in ERA, 2nd in walks allowed) but don't hit so well in the spacious confines of the gigantic sports bar that is the Metrodome (11th in runs scored, 10th in OPS). You'll find BOB to your liking, we hope. (We'll keep the roof closed and the air conditioners blowing at BOB.)

Anyway, again, welcome to Phoenix. Enjoy your stay. (But please let us win at least 1 game.)

Sincerely,
Stefan